Stop Trying So Hard

We slid into our chairs on New Year’s Eve, wine glasses and hearts full, ready to break open the board games that sat expectantly on the table, and get the party started as the rest of the family laughed and buzzed around us. But light as the atmosphere was, my dear friend—who carries the eminent title of Sister-Friend—and I were still feeling the weight of the weeks that had led up to this moment, and understanding the importance of those to come. And each of us knew that the other felt it.

“So what’s your word?” she asked me lightly but quizzically. She had been texting our other sister-friend, who lives far too far away yet is the indispensable third party in our soul-baring and heart-binding struggle-through-life-together-trio. They had been sharing their chosen ‘word’ for the year, a recently popular concept in which one single word carries enough meaning to encompass one’s lofty resolution and focus for the entire year to come.

“You know I don’t do just one word,” I replied. “I can’t edit down that far!”

I’d thought about it, of course, and I did have a few hazy ideas of things I knew I wanted to [needed to] focus on. But I was incompetent in choosing one word to carry all the weight.

Sister-friend rolled her eyes.

“Well I was thinking maybe ‘relationship.’ Or whatever the opposite of materialism is, that’s probably what my word should be,” I conceded. We discussed it briefly amidst the chatter, but the celebration and board games and laughter were calling, so we settled into a lively game of Yahtzee (in which I was soundly beaten).

I awoke too early the next morning—tired, groggy, and still wordless—with the first day of a new year before me.

I felt the pressure to join the blogging and posting chorus of words and resolutions and promises to turn over a new leaf, begin again, to reflect on successes (and failures) of past resolutions. At the very least, I wanted to re-visit my goals from last year…and highlight the things from the past year for which I was most thankful (aside from my family, my sister-friends topped that list).

But I didn’t feel much motivation or new-ness happening. A digit had changed from a three to a four, a new beginning had been proclaimed, but to me it just felt like one long season was bleeding into another. My family still needed me just as much, coughs and fevers were still plaguing the kids, and schedules still loomed ahead, unchanging and unyielding as ever. It seemed much more like a continuation of the same old same old than a new beginning. So I stayed off the computer, went to mass where I put my year in God’s hands and was recharged by some happy souls and friendly faces, then lounged around with needy children and a tired husband back at home.

Still, as the days of the new year joined the continuum of my current season, one after the other, I felt a sort of restlessness in my heart. A need to identify some sort of focus, to find some renewal of mind and spirit that would shift my mind from weary and distracted to intentional and engaged.

It was like God knew I needed the the gift of new beginning, complete with a mantra; He was just waiting a few extra days for the right time to present it to me. Sunday night found me preparing wearily for the annual youth group’s Epiphany Dinner. My decision last year to volunteer weekly with this group is one of the best things I’ve ever done for myself. But—as is often the case—leaving the house seemed like the last thing I wanted to do at the moment. It was dark and cold, and I was fighting an ache in my throat. “I don’t really feel like going, but I feel like I need to for the teens,” I admitted to my local sister-friend. But I also knew that those nights were usually the times I ended up being most thankful that I went. Indeed, as soon as I walked in the room, I was greeted with the big hugs and spirit-lifting smiles that come with the territory of incredibly special relationships. My heart lit up instantly as I served food and laughed and chatted with the teens and other leaders. They’ve been dealing with so much in their lives and in the community in the past few weeks; it was amazing to sit back and just watch them support each other and be their awesome selves. After the meal was over, I wandered upstairs to the chapel with the rest of the group for a time of reflection and a closing prayer. I don’t remember the exact words, but one of the leaders encouraged the teens to spend some time reflecting on resolutions and goals and God’s will for them in the coming year before some quiet time. As usual, I sat there quietly—you know—for the kids. And sorta kinda tried to spend a little time in reflection but didn’t work too hard to focus…because I was there—you know—for the kids. Not myself. But about a minute into the worship song that was drifting arcross the sanctuary, the restlessness took over and the gears started turning. “Okay, then. What do I really need to focus on this year, God?” I started going methodically down my laundry list of self-improvements, saying "how about this? and definitely that..." when loud and clear, a rather unexpected phrase cut through the din in my head:

“Stop trying so hard.”

“Oh? Um, wow. Yeah, okay...”

And again, it echoed louder and dug its way into my understanding.

“Stop. Trying. So. Hard.”

Stop trying so hard…
To impress others.
To say the right thing.
To get attention.
To be novel.
To be in control.

These were the things that came to mind immediately.

And it continued to apply to pretty much everything I could think of--including all those things I’d originally planned to focus on as we rang in the New Year...

Stop trying so hard...
To be content with superficiality.
To have the ‘it’ thing.
To place the world’s illusion of material status above real relationships.
To measure up to anyone else’s views of importance except those of Wisdom himself.
To anticipate what may or may not happen.
To plan the kids’ lives.
To have it all together.

To keep the house from looking lived in.
To be perfect.
To be someone I’m not.

I told my (other non-local) dear sister-friend about the irony of my little revelation--especially ironic since, in a funny turn of events, she had implied only a few hours before God hit me with that phrase that maybe, just maybe, I was putting a little too much pressure on myself.

“So I got ‘stop trying so hard!’” I said.
 “Well maybe your word is ‘grace’ then,” She replied.

“Maybe it is,” I said. “I like Grace. But I also thought of the words ‘real’ and ‘authentic’…’” 

Or, I thought, maybe word is just ‘Stop.’ Ha.

But I really do like this idea of an entire Phrase for the Year that Someone so wisely handed to me.

And the more I've rolled it around in my mind, my phrase, the more I understand how I should use it. It’s not so much that I need to do--or not do--a certain list of things; rather, it’s more of an attitude I need to bring to everything I do or don’t do.

I’m going to [try to] not try too hard to have it all together, because no one can be perfect...while remembering that everyone is—and needs to be—perfectly loved, regardless of their imperfections.

I need to stop trying so hard to plan my kids’ lives and be in control, (because they are their own people with their own personalities) and instead try to trust the divine Author with control of their lives while simply loving and guiding them as best I can.

I need to stop trying so hard to say the right thing to the right person, because in doing so I become someone I’m not. And to be anyone other than the soul I’ve been created to be is the greatest, most absurd charade of all.

Yes, I need to stop trying so hard to do or be anything that doesn’t help me become more myself.

That’s the hard part—recognizing the identity crisis, the disconnect—of who I present myself to be (which is often different depending on who I’m interacting with) and who I really am at my core…and then figuring out how to change that. What to do that will help. Where to start.

Thankfully, the easy part for me is knowing Who to start with. To become more of myself, I simply need to better understand my Creator’s vision for me. To stop trying so hard to conform to everyone else’s vision of who I [or the average person] should be, and instead figure out how to see myself through His eyes. He made me. He alone knows what the best version of me is. So the closer I get to Him, the more I’ll also learn about and understand what that version is. And this year I'd love nothing more than to gain a front-row seat to the Director’s commentary, if you will, on my unique self, who I really am--instead of going by everyone else’s (certainly flawed) interpretations and analysis that I’ve been unwittingly tuning into.

So there you have it.

This year, I’m going to stop trying so hard, and see where it takes me. Hopefully, [eventually], that place will be somewhere pretty glorious.

Join the conversation! How about you? Have you made any resolutions or come up with a word for the year? If so, have you made it through the first week? If not, are you also maybe putting a little too much pressure on yourself...?