A More Complete Awareness

My trip to the grocery store last week confirmed that it’s that time of year again: just as the leaves change color, so also the labels and tags on the shelves begin to turn pink. Advertisements and ribbons and fundraisers are everywhere; and looking through rose-colored glasses alerts us to what we might have missed in staring past the calendar: it is October. It is Awareness Month.

Unless you live under a rock, you don’t have to ask what the pink ribbons and tags mean. In many ways, I think that’s an incredibly good thing. There are so many reasons to be aware. There are so many causes that need our support. There are SO many people who need our help once we are finally aware of their daily reality.

But October is so much more than National Breast Cancer Awareness month. More than 20 other causes vie for attention and awareness this month, including two that directly impact and define our family. This month is also Selective Mutism Awareness Month; it is also Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. The more i'm impacted personally by awareness, the more I'm realizing that the kind of "aware" I am matters.

I discovered recently that it's not just me--many Breast Cancer survivors and families have raised concerns about misguided awareness in recent years, something they've termed  "pinkwashing." They've seen how empty awareness accomplished through mass marketing can actually lead people in the wrong direction (like the paradox of carcinogenic products plastered with pink ribbons) and hurt women with Breast Cancer in addition to confusing the cause. I couldn't quite put my finger on it before, but as each consecutive October became more pink, some of the hype felt increasingly unsettling to me. I started to get the feeling that this month was some sort of campaign to be won instead of a full-on effort to get in the trenches and help women fighting for their lives. Now, listening to those who are in the thick of it, I understand why. These days, with everyone jumping on board as if it’s some sort of popularity contest, from middle school team uniform splurges to diamond-encrusted pink watches, it appears we’re being blinded by the "status" of philanthropic support, while ultimately losing sight of the essential element of awareness: the individual in need.

I definitely see why my cancer-fighting friends are concerned, and why I should be just as concerned about "my" causes. Before I had any skin in the game, I was only ‘aware’ of awareness when it was placed in front of my face at close range; usually something that I could proudly toss money at in ‘support’ of ‘someone’ and give myself a pat on the back for making a difference. In and of itself, this sort of fundraising isn't a bad thing, but when I lose sight of where that dollar will go or what it might fund (like a pink bag of dog food instead of a family struggling to put food on the table because of all the medical bills), it becomes an issue.

When these things started to get personal--when the once-ambiguous "individual" seeking support became a friend with Breast Cancer, or when this month's causes became ones that affected me, my daughter, our family--I began to understand the importance of awareness: not on the detached, sweeping, corporate level, but on the visible, individual level. I know what it's like to want visibility and help for my family and our situation; the kind of specific help and guidance we need is something that a spiffy team jersey, however well-intentioned, could never realize.

So this month I'm challenging myself to change my approach to awareness and really learn about different causes, beyond just associating a condition with a colored ribbon. In the process, I've also been pondering these questions:

Why be aware?
What should I be aware of?
What should I do with this awareness?

Why be aware? 

It should be a given, but it needs to be less about me and more about the person involved. I shouldn't boast awareness because it makes me look smart or feel saintly. I should do it because I care about the individual within the group. Because the individual needs me to know their truth. The truth that it stinks to be misunderstood day in and day out. That it's unbelievably isolating at times. That it’s wearying to suffer silently, to often appear “normal” to the outside world, yet know that what you have (or what you've experienced) affects a million and one little everyday moments and plays into every single relationship around you.

I've learned that the right type of awareness can help alleviate the isolation in so many ways. On one level, to have awareness means recognition…validation…and sometimes even acceptance; it means someone who won’t just brush it off, someone who might be willing to understand, one less person to to have to look uncomfortably in the eye while explaining or defending the painful struggle.

On another level, awareness means hope. It means the possibility of help or guidance or at the very least support where it might not have been found otherwise. It means networking and the possibility of helping someone else who is living in relative isolation with little knowledge of the resources available.

So much good can be accomplished by spreading constructive awareness, and it should be my goal to not only spread the right info and awareness when it when it comes to "my" causes, but also seek it out in others' causes.

What exactly, then, should I be aware of? 

It'd be great if we could understand and anticipate each others' every need, and never respond in ignorance. Obviously, that's not possible--we can’t all be walking encyclopedias with the heart of Mother Teresa. But I'm learning I should make an effort to gain a little more insight on the causes and conditions around me, whether it’s because I have a personal connection or it's 'just' another monthly observance. As I said before, there are so many different causes begging for our attention this month in addition to Breast Cancer Awareness. So I've focused on six others below--some of which affect me personally, some of which I feel passionate about because of friends' experiences, and others that I'm challenging myself to learn more about:

• Breast Cancer Awareness
• Selective Mutism Awareness Month
• Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month
• Domestic Violence Awareness Month
• Down’s Syndrome Awareness Month
• Bullying and Cyber Bullying Awareness Month
• Spina Bifida Awareness Month

(Each of the causes above is linked to a charity/website [some local] that friends within the cause have endorsed or that I've researched--check them out if you get a chance).

At the individual level, these are some of the personal experiences (with a few blog or post links) shared by those who live the reality daily:

• Breast Cancer: It's the face of a mom who is still grieving her mastectomy while thanking God for her life...but all she has time to worry about right now after her doctor's appointment is making her son’s soccer game and somehow getting dinner on the table.

• Selective Mutism: It's little girl who desperately wants to answer the teacher’s question, but the anxiety chokes her into silence when she feels the expectant eyes of twenty-four classmates staring her into the ground. The silence remains until she returns to the safety of her home and her happy voice is once again free. Her mother wonders often how to best respond every time a six-year-old classmate asserts that her daughter "can't talk."

• Pregnancy and Infant Loss: It's the mother and father who never got to bring their child home; the family who must disassemble an empty crib and pack away the onesies that will never be outgrown. It's always wondering what might have been...

• Bullying and Cyber Bullying: It's the girl who hides in the bathroom where the verbal and physical attacks can’t find her as easily. And the boy who says nothing, because he thinks bullying is a punch with a fist, not his social media “friends” promoting character assassination under the guise of internet anonymity.

• Down’s Syndrome: There’s the Down’s child who won’t ever string together more than a few words, but who teaches more lessons than any verbose scholar through her unconditional love and acceptance of everyone she meets (often in the form of hugs). And then there are the young men with Down’s Syndrome who are running their own businesses and defying every last limitation ever set for them.

• Domestic Violence: It’s the wife who escapes with her children to the safety of a shelter instead of relaxing in the comfort of her beautiful home, because her husband and their father—their abuser—has insidiously and secretly turned that beautiful home into a war zone. And for every woman who hides in the shelter, ten more remain in their war zone and wonder if they’ll ever be able to get free.

• Spina Bifida: It's this kid, who lives a normal life and whose smile lights up the room, even though he has the most severe form of Spina Bifida, and even though the doctors were skeptical about his mom’s decision to carry him to term, citing possible paralysis and ‘quality of life’ issues. He may still be working on his gross motor skills, but he's exceeding his cognitive skills in every single aspect. And grinning handsomely about it, too!

So what should I DO with this awareness? 

This past year especially has been cause for me to re-evaluate my answer.

First and foremost, I know should be doing something. That much is clear, and that much I have not always done. But I think that the exact ‘something’ I do has called for more careful evaluation and scrutiny as I have shifted from the role of bystander to 'participant.'

It’s certainly easier to support those causes that have already gained visibility or those that affect us personally. Especially if we are already trying to connect with others and find resources for a cause that helps us deal with our own challenges. But what about those that are more obscure, or those that haven’t gotten the publicity to reach the people who might need the most? I know what it’s like to live with something so obscure that it takes months to even discover a name for it, and then not know where to turn--further evidenced by the fact that Selective Mutism Awareness Month has only made small waves so far in the UK and barely reached the US. As such, I feel I should make it a point to cheer on the underdog and seek out their greatest needs.

What about those that already have international recognition? When it comes to the huge causes like Breast Cancer Awareness, my survivor friends have given me tips on what organizations to support and how I can really help. They've taught me that by being prudent in who receives my donations, I can be confident that it can make a direct impact in a local cancer patient's life. Sly marketing might have me believe think I'm doing something for a good cause when I buy pink men's deodorant or sign up for a 5k, but if a "charitable" organization is doing questionable things with my money (like promoting themselves through contradictory products or racing to defend their trademark slogan with my money instead of racing to truly find a cure), then no one wins. So instead of just feeling blinded by all the pink, I can do my research and do something worthwhile about it. Especially when it comes to lesser-known organizations (like the one I shared above) that really focus on filling the void of the individual's needs: helping alleviate exorbitant medical bills, providing respite care, and supporting care that upholds the dignity of each person even as they fight to the last hour, regardless of whether or not they'll see the rosy resolution of a cure.

These friends have also reminded me that supporting charities is just a tiny piece of the puzzle; these women and families are a real face and a name, and they need real faces and names in return to fill their needs, far beyond plunking some money in the organizational pot and calling it good. They need real faces to bring meals, organize carpools and help with childcare, or just physically be there to give a hug and listen. It might cost less than a monetary donation, but it usually goes much further in helping them walk the journey that continues when all of the organizational support has flown south for the winter in sleek corporate jets.

And that goes for every cause, whether the ribbon is pink, purple, pink and blue, yellow, yellow and blue, and so on. I'm learning, especially from my own needs, that the power of relationship cannot be underestimated when it comes to support and awareness. We are called to be the feet on the ground, to be the love that initiates every spiritual and corporal act of mercy. Because that's what all this “awareness” ultimately boils down to--a call to love.  No T-shirt or colored ribbons or fancy slogans necessary—just love in action.

Historically, the action part has been difficult for me.

So in addition to those things we are working through personally as a family, I’m feeling called to be aware of—and help shed light on—at least one other new cause every month. I plan to do so by researching truly helpful organizations, sharing links, blogging about it, and personally connecting with or helping someone in the within each cause. I hope this can help me rid myself of excess ignorance and elevate the importance of each cause, so I can relate with far more compassion to those who live with it every day.

I know I'm just one person, and we have our own needs to work through--but I think this monthly goal is a realistic way for me to make a little bit of a bigger difference. I’d love your input and ideas, and I'd especially love it if you would join me each month as I work toward this "More Complete Awareness."