Breathing Life... An Attempt
Last night as we sat in mass, preparing to ring in the New Year with our wired three-year-old on my left and passed-out-exhausted five-year-old on my right, our pastor reminded us that 2015 is the Year of the Family.
And our rare weekends or mornings "off?" Well, those are filled with a whole lot of whining for TV and a whole lot of mommy caving, because I've discovered that's when I can magically actually get stuff done.
Clearly, the scales are tipped heavily toward the impatience and disengagement side, and are far too light on the Breathing Life side.
I look at our routine and our struggle and I think, how do other moms do it? I look at myself and think what can I realistically change, knowing myself and my limitations?
I know trying to play with the kids for hours on end, or doing a thousand crafts and experiments and other Pinterest-perfect activities is just not my schtick. It never will be. But I think I can make small adjustments that might make a big difference--like making eye contact when they're talking to me, or trying to really listen to what they say more often than I zone out. And I do have strengths and interests that I can draw from and try to share with them, like music or writing or drawing or stargazing or my love for reading. I started reading The Boxcar Children to them this past week, and my oldest was hanging in every word. But the others had a much shorter attention span, and lost interest after a time, so I also have to consider age and personality. That is the tough part for me, and it certainly doesn't come naturally.
I also have some basic broader ideas that can hopefully tip the scales back just a smidge, like the focus on family health that I just wrote about, or forcing myself once more to get up and be ready before the kids each morning so I am fully present to them during their morning routine. (Though this is bookended by the fact that I become a miserable, angry creature when I don't get adequate sleep, so I would have to go to bed earlier, which would require figuring out when else to do the ten million things that demand attention between the kids' bedtime and mine--probably why I failed so quickly last year, ha).
But the bottom line is that I'm so SO lucky to be surrounded by three beautiful children in the here and now, children who God has already breathed His life into, children He's lent to me for a time so I can hopefully do the same. Our life, their childhood is today. So even though I know the challenges will keep popping up, I don't want to waste another today just plugging along in a fog because, well, life is hard.
And so I'm turning to you, fellow moms and families in the trenches, for ideas and examples. (Sorry, coffee therapy is out...but tea is in!).
Really, though.
Tell me, please--I want to know it all. Help me Breath Life into my family right along with you in the New Year!
He talked about Pope Francis dedicating this year to the re-building of family, and the importance of bringing real, authentic love into the world, starting with those closest to us. Than he challenged us as mothers and fathers to "breathe life" into our families this coming year.
Breathe Life. I liked the sound of it. I looked at our kids in their different active and non-active states around me, and my husband next to me, and I nodded in agreement. Yes, I would commit to Breathing Life into my family and make it a "non-resolution" in addition to my original focus of health that I just reflected on. 2015, I decided, would be the year of health and Breathing Life into my family.
Breathe Life. I liked the sound of it. I looked at our kids in their different active and non-active states around me, and my husband next to me, and I nodded in agreement. Yes, I would commit to Breathing Life into my family and make it a "non-resolution" in addition to my original focus of health that I just reflected on. 2015, I decided, would be the year of health and Breathing Life into my family.
But this morning as I greet the new day and New Year with a mix of sparkly shoes (they were closer to the bed than my slippers) and sweats...and meet last year's lingering messes and this year's tired children, I wonder, how do I practically do that? What does breathing life look like in real life?
Usually, our school mornings are full of hurry up and get dressed we're going to be late and finish eating we're already late! Our time in the car full of buckle UP, let's GO! and lunchtimes are full of please decide what you want so I can sit down and eat, already, I'm hungry! Our afternoons are full of come on, you have gymnastics and get out of the kitchen I'm cooking and get the dishwasher unloaded and get your homework done and no I can't help you right now I'm cooking and why isn't your homework done? and okay I'll help you as soon as I'm done. And our nights, our nights are full of exhausted that's great but can you please tell me the rest later, it's bedtime and no more books, it's already past bedtime.
And our rare weekends or mornings "off?" Well, those are filled with a whole lot of whining for TV and a whole lot of mommy caving, because I've discovered that's when I can magically actually get stuff done.
Clearly, the scales are tipped heavily toward the impatience and disengagement side, and are far too light on the Breathing Life side.
I look at our routine and our struggle and I think, how do other moms do it? I look at myself and think what can I realistically change, knowing myself and my limitations?
I know trying to play with the kids for hours on end, or doing a thousand crafts and experiments and other Pinterest-perfect activities is just not my schtick. It never will be. But I think I can make small adjustments that might make a big difference--like making eye contact when they're talking to me, or trying to really listen to what they say more often than I zone out. And I do have strengths and interests that I can draw from and try to share with them, like music or writing or drawing or stargazing or my love for reading. I started reading The Boxcar Children to them this past week, and my oldest was hanging in every word. But the others had a much shorter attention span, and lost interest after a time, so I also have to consider age and personality. That is the tough part for me, and it certainly doesn't come naturally.
I also have some basic broader ideas that can hopefully tip the scales back just a smidge, like the focus on family health that I just wrote about, or forcing myself once more to get up and be ready before the kids each morning so I am fully present to them during their morning routine. (Though this is bookended by the fact that I become a miserable, angry creature when I don't get adequate sleep, so I would have to go to bed earlier, which would require figuring out when else to do the ten million things that demand attention between the kids' bedtime and mine--probably why I failed so quickly last year, ha).
But the bottom line is that I'm so SO lucky to be surrounded by three beautiful children in the here and now, children who God has already breathed His life into, children He's lent to me for a time so I can hopefully do the same. Our life, their childhood is today. So even though I know the challenges will keep popping up, I don't want to waste another today just plugging along in a fog because, well, life is hard.
And so I'm turning to you, fellow moms and families in the trenches, for ideas and examples. (Sorry, coffee therapy is out...but tea is in!).
Really, though.
I want to know what Breathing Life means and looks like to you.
What little, everyday things brought joy and meaning to your own childhood?
What little, everyday things brought joy and meaning to your own childhood?
What you do as a parent in your daily routine that brings your kids joy but also brings you peace?
How do you remain engaged and balance the cranky responses with the loving ones when you're already (physically and mentally) touched out?
How do you magage being attentive to different personalities and needs (especially the high needs kids who require more attention) without de-railing your entire schedule?
What makes them smile in delight and still makes you smile through your weariness?
Tell me, please--I want to know it all. Help me Breath Life into my family right along with you in the New Year!
 |
| And the light of the New Year poured forth into the darkness... |
No coffee?
ReplyDeleteI wish I had answers. I am sitting here floundering through day 1 of 2015, because it was snowing too much for me to go out and do my own thing, like plans for next week and the rest of the month. I'm glad 3/5 kids are outside playing, not running around like crazies. I'm feeling lost, like "why can't I just have a simple meal-plan that I can rely on and not have to re-discover the wheel every month?!" Etc. I get touched out. I get tired. I don't want to read. But, I begin the day with prayer. I try to share a cuppa (tea or cocoa! hehe) with the kids more often, and leave the phone behind. I'm committing to less so I can be/do more for my family. Hoping God's grace makes it happen, for real.
I think I need to convince myself that it's okay for them to go out in the backyard alone more, even in the winter. Without me.
DeleteAnd I need to figure out some sort of way to start the day with prayer--whether it's just short morning prayer or even a morning offering. Maybe I can figure out a way to make it my alarm tone ;)
Praying for you too in all of it!
We'll, the fact that you are writing these words and looking for inspiration is proof enough of your desire to breathe life into your beautiful family, my friend. You are already there. It is just that you are right in the middle of the wonderful world of mothering and sometimes, from that perspective, we mothers have only one view. And it tends to be clouded with chaos, noise, laughter, tears, and love. Before children, we have all these ideas and unrealistic expectations of how our life will be. These are generic, though, as they do t take our children's personalities and uniqueness into account. When our children are older, as some of mine are, we have the benefit of actual knowledge. Of what worked, and what didn't. What was important, and what was totally unnecessary.
ReplyDeleteIf I have any advice to offer a young mom...it would be this...Take back your child.
Society has done an outstanding job of convincing parents that children need to be busy. They need to take dance, and soccer, and gymnastics, and football. All if this after spending eight hours in school. I am a string believer that this is not true. Four year olds do not need to have structured soccer practice and games. They need to ride bikes in their driveway with their siblings as mom sits and watches. They don't need to run from school to dance and then home to dinner and homework. Children need to play. With toys. At home. They need to feel calm and peace and secure. This in turn will allow mothers to be calm and less anxious.
I am a huge proponent of family. What can moms do to encourage this calm family time?
Plan meals together. Grocery shop together with the list you made together.
Watch a movie together. Without a phone in your hand.
Have daily rest time. Together. Snuggle on the couch with your child.
Say no. No to meetings and committees and practices while your kids are young.
They need you. They need dinner every night at the table. They need consistent, predictable, calm, home time.
The reading is great. Keep it up. And forgive me if I sound preachy! I have an 18 year old...I know how fast it goes! And one more thing...kids grow and change quickly. The chaos of these days will pass. New challenges will emerge. But I promise you......every single moment is a gift to be treasured. And I know you know that. Love you!
Billie Jo, there's so much I could say about this...I'm so grateful for you. Your words of wisdom and heart are just beautiful, and your ideas confirm the things I feel deep down. Thanks for validating that and encouraging me in it...I am so lucky to have a mentor like you! I love the idea of making a list together and having them help in the store too. And without phone in hand...I need to do that with so many things. Thank you for sharing that valuable perspective you have now, it's good to sneak a peek into that next stage. You inspire me!
DeleteYou are very wise, Billie Jo. My oldest is two years and I find those days where we spend the majority of our time at home are the most pleasant.
DeleteUghh - I was just coming to comment on how lovely this was, and then you start asking for advice and ideas and I'm coming to YOU for that!
ReplyDeleteI'm right there with you on the sleep thing. I need to start going to bed earlier. I'm ALWAYS running late in the morning. So what I should do is pack lunch at night. Pick out clothes (with Finn) at night. Have things ready to go so it's less frantic in the morning. I literally have to set a timer for myself at times. 10 minutes and I will just focus on the kitchen. Once the timer is off - no more cleaning the kitchen, even though it always has more to be cleaned. Little things like that help, but I need to just give myself the grace to know that we all have those days. My big thing this year is less phone time. I need to read more and I want to plan different activities every so often that get us out of the house and just engaging in one another - be it a picnic on a Saturday at a park (and maybe picking up lunch if that's easier), or going bowling as a family - going to the library more often - little outings that we do TOGETHER that are not part of our chores or errands.
Your kids - they are lucky to have you.
How bout we agree to trade on the advice? I get plenty of ideas from you, too!
DeleteI feel like the starting AND stopping with a timer might be revolutionary for me. I often don't start something because I feel like I have to finish it, and it becomes too overwhelming to even start. But the small bites approach just might work!
Even when we have everything picked out the night before and ready early, we still always manage somehow to be late. At this point I'm convinced it's a gene.
And yours are even younger which demands even more of your time and help.
Yes to less phone time. And grace. Always grace!
We just finished the first Boxcar book over here, too :)
ReplyDeleteI've been thinking about this so much, trying to figure out why every day feels so much like I'm trying to survive/escape/endure them...not what I envisioned motherhood. At all.
I don't like crafting with them. I hate messes. Motherhood has shaken my type A tendencies to the core. One thing I'm trying (and failing) to do is just be present to them in chunks of time during the day, whether it's sitting across from them at the table during a meal and having a conversation, or just sitting on the floor in their playroom and waiting to see what kind of game they initiate with me (inevitably it is tackling. Always with the violence.) But I'm often surprised at how much of the naughtiness is just them trying to get my attention, and me being too tired, too distracted, or too overwhelmed to give. it.
I really loved everything Billy Jo said, especially about saying NO. I need so much practice in that department.
I tried to do the chunk of time thing today at breakfast. Man it was tough and made me realize how short an attention span I have when trying to engage with the kids and how few times I sit down to a meal other than dinner. (I'm always walking around eating getting stuff for them or remembering stuff to do or playing on my phone). Something to work on for sure, thanks for the suggestion!
DeleteAnd I never really associated my detestation for messes and crafting with my (borderline) Type-A-ness...and I do have a thing for control, too-I need to figure out how to lighten up. Fascinating observation!
Motherhood definitely gives perfectionist/Type As a lesson in humility and letting things go.
DeleteAnd the naughtiness to get attention...I noticed that too. I'm trying my best when things start to get out of hand to stop whatever I'm doing and spend 5-10 minutes really being present to that child because it usually is just that.
Megan, I think you are on a great track to 'breathing life' into your family this year! You're very thoughtful and have the desire. God will certainly help you in this endeavor. Don't forgot to ask Him for help. (This is going to be a strong theme for me this year because I'm always trying to do things on my own.)
ReplyDeleteI'm working my way through my first book of 2015 (only thing that has gotten off to a good start because of a very sick baby). It's called "A Million Little Ways" by Emily P. Freeman. She talks about how God has created us in His image but we are called to reflect Him "in a million little ways." Not that an individual should in a million ways (!!!), but that each person has several ways that God has given that person to reflect Him and He gives every other person a few more of those million ways so that He is reflected fully throughout all His creation. Trick is, you have to determine what YOUR ways are of reflecting God. I believe that He gives each of us the talents we need to care for the children He gave us. It's just tapping into those and learning to use them well to give Him glory. Don't worry that you aren't into the crafting. As you said, you love to read, so continue to find ways you share that love with them. Chances are, some (or all) have this latent desire too and you can help them excite it. :) I love to bake and I'm discovering that my daughter does too. It's harder to bake working in the kitchen with her but I find if I step back and leave enough time to work through things slowly, we are both benefited by it. I think God wants me to share this with her, but I have to find doable ways to do so. And, hopefully, one day, she can take over some of the baking at home herself!! ;)
Also, you might like "The Temperament God Gave Your Kids," by Art Bennett. I haven't read it yet (it's on my list for this year), but I am a firm believer that knowing and understanding the temperaments of those around you (especially those you live with). It can help tremendously in making things go smoother in your interactions with them. The love languages books are also very helpful.
Will be praying for you!! <3