The Freedom of No

I've always admired people who can say "no." The ones who aren't malicious or selfish about it, but not apologetic either. They know when something needs to be a "no" and they say so. Easy as that.

Me, I have a real hard time with no. It seems I've always been on the struggle train with balance and boundaries. Which is funny, because with my time at a rather unconventional school (and career) I was supposed to master that kind of pressure and prioritize in the midst of it; one of my biggest laments from my full-time army days was that everything was always a priority, but nothing was ever prioritized.

Yet I am--and always have been--a people pleaser and helper, and sadly I think I've reverted to the EVERYTHINGISAPRIORITY! mentality in my own head as of late. Conceptually, I know that I can't (and shouldn't) do it all--that I can't be everything to everyone. But in the moment, my actions and attitude show a different truth. The messages flood my subconscious: They believe in me. I'm in charge. It's my duty. They need help! And it's all being demanded of me now, so everything becomes a priority. Nothing can fail. Nothing can fall. But when my arms become so overloaded that all the pieces do fall, I shake my head and wonder what the heck happened like it's some sort of rocket science. It's almost as if I'm more willing to run down the Road to Burnout than accept the what might happen otherwise.

And what might happen? Conflict. That ugly word that I live in fear of. What if I disappoint someone? What if they don't think I don't care? What if I look selfish? What if I'm the only one who in the universe who can do what they want and I let all of humanity down if I don't? [Because that's logical].

The past few weeks of attempting and failing to prioritize have been especially tough. This particular season of life is revealing itself as a real doozy in the everyone-needs-a-piece-of-me category. Things are being added to my plate so much faster than I can clear it; I'm struggling seemingly in vain to keep up with work and family and deadlines and expectations, and it's starting to feel like I'm trapped on some claustrophobic hamster wheel.

The fallout? In addition to dropping some balls, I've had to start saying no to certain requests or opportunities. It's always painful and stressful (even if I only perceive the pain and stress internally) and I always hate it. But as I take a real honest inventory of my time, I'm coming to acknowledge the conceptual truth still floating around in my brain: I need to put my family--and in in some circumstances, myself--before others if I'm meant to make it through the day with even a small chance of success. "Success" meaning a less-fragmented attempt to fulfill most of my necessary responsibilities, and adequately devote time and attention the kiddos and loving husband who ultimatey need my best self more than anyone else.

I know in my heart that paring it back to the necessities, defining [and sticking to] actual priorities, and making time for balance is what will help all of us get the most out of life in this insanely busy season.

Which means I'm going to have to start saying "no" even more.

I'm going to have to say, "I can't today/this month/this year."

And as much as I believe in #sorrynotsorry, I also know how I roll, so I think there's going to be a lot of "I'm sorry."

What if they're still hurt or disappointed? What if don't they accept sorry? What if...what if...

I won't be so naive as to think there won't be conflict if I just have enough courage. If there wasn't some discomfort in having to tell someone that you can't fill the role they want you to in the way they expect you to, if there wasn't some chance that they would be mildly (or more than mildly) displeased, it would be easy. Anyone could do it.

But there are also other what-ifs to consider in my response. What if I need some much-needed down time? What my family has long deserved to be a higher priority? What if my own needs have deserved a higher priority? What if putting on my own oxygen mask first really does enable me to respond better and nurture important relationships and fulfill more responsibilities in the end?

I'm also learning that the people who matter most--which usually translates to those who love and care about me most--will understand that I'm more limited in certain seasons. And beyond understanding, they will support me in putting on my own oxygen mask and love me deeply in all seasons [just as I will do when they are more limited and stuck on their own hamster wheels].

In the end, I think it comes down to a combination of self-acceptance, self-confidence, and self-awareness, the kind that empowers us to commit to what we can, and peacefully let go of what we can't. For example, last night when frantically wondering aloud to my husband how he could've managed to get everything done in that job of his that I took because clearly I can't, he responded simply, "I couldn't. I had to get comfortable with a small level of failure." Not easy for a people-pleaser-helper to hear...but deep down, I know it's true. I can get behind the truth that I am only human; I'm not God, nor does He want me to be. So I'll try to remember more often that I'm not charged with the running and responsibility of the universe, just as often as I try to release myself from the guilt of not having ten arms and the ability to tri-locate.

I know it will be a mighty work in progress, especially in the months to come. But for now, I'm beginning with some mental health time--sitting on the front porch in the midst of this season as the sun stains the clouds the color of sorbet and lights the fringes of the mountain tops in a fiery glow. I'm allowing myself time for therapeutic writing. I'm reflecting on the freedom of "no." And I'm convincing myself that if a rare moment moment in my day is unspoken for, it's not selfish to let myself have it for me. Life is here and now, regardless of the season; and I'm grateful to be living--and hopefully simplifying--some of it for the better.

If you're also struggling with balance, I hope you let yourself have a guilt-free moment for you too. Very, very soon!




How do you deal with boundaries and saying "no" when you should? Is it somewhat simple, or about as fun as a root canal?