{Letting Go of} Control in 2016

I've given a lot of thought to my focus for 2016. ( I still like that word better than "resolution").

Last year, I decided the focus should be health. We made some big strides in lots of areas--not all entirely to my credit (because the kids are just super amazing at making progress on their own), but I worked hard navigating through lots of red tape to support them. We finally got an insurance plan that allowed us to start ABA (autism therapy), and I even took some time to address my own physical and mental health.

But I was surprised by plenty of unexpected twists and turns last year too, which added to the stress and brick walls and delayed some of my intended progress (even though some were good, even great surprises, like buying and moving to our forever home!).

It's easy to decide on a focus when I'm imagining, at least subconsciously, smooth sailing ahead. Then these twists and turns come up I end up pushing things off for "when the dust settles," for when our routine is more stable, for when I'm feeling more resilient or less anxious, for when I can catch a breather.

But the reality is that the settling dust keeps getting stirred up time and again with unexpected transitions, those twists and turns that I should know by now will be a part of the journey--though I'm still a little taken aback and sometimes more than a little overwhelmed when then crop up.

So I wanted to lay out my goals this year in light of those inevitable unforseens that will surely pop up, instead of feeling frustration and disappointment when things don't go as I've envisioned. Especially because this preoccupation of mine with things going as planned--even if I have to try and make them go as planned--is the real catalyst behind my goals this year.

In short: I like control.

And as I get to know the depths of my mind and soul better, I understand both my limitations and the reasons behind my reactions to every day situations. I've had a lot of little epiphanies about myself lately: 

-I'm much more of an introvert than I've ever been before. 

-I'm much less touchy-feely than I used to be. 

-I'm change-adverse in many ways. 

-And I'm finding just how attached I've become to {the perception of} control.

I know a lot of it is a result of motherhood--juggling seriousy insane schedules can make me want to cry if I have to add one more commitment to my plate...as nice as that mom asking for a play date is. And being physically touched out makes me want to scream if one more person gets in my space - even though I know I should appreciate kisses and hugs and snuggles.

Aside from motherhood, some these little changes have also been brought on by the state of my physical health; it's hard to give hugs or add more to the calendar or change up my routine with so many days of fatigue or chronic pain plaguing me at not-so-convenient times and contributing to my limitations.

But--as much as I wish it didn't--my anxiety also plays a big role in these changes in me. Oftentimes, anxiety contributes to my desire to hide from in-person interaction or avoid going places. Why? Because, as silly as it feels writing it, I'm afraid of the outcome. I know objectively that I'm not really the Big Boss in control...yet as I've gained more people and responsibilites in my life that I can't always control, what used to be healthy precaution of some situations has spiraled into unhealhty preoccupation with how detrimental they could possibly be. I do every insidious little thing my brain can devise to control the outcome. Avoiding places. Playing the waiting game. Keeping my distance from others. Hoarding hand sanitizer. Remaining in my comfort zone. Constantly asking "what if" and allowing myself to live in fear of the worst case scenario. 

Simply put, I'm afraid of the unknown because I'm scared it might bring suffering. I don't like suffering. (Who does?) So I convince myself that the things I do [or don't do] will help me avoid it. I try to control my way out of it.

But suffering is part of life. It will happen inevitably. And in trying to avoid it at all costs, I also end up missing out on a whole lot of good stuff, a lot of joy. Which ultimately makes my kids and those I love miss out on a lot of joy too, whether or not we stay "safe" from a potential bad outcome.

I know I need to work on accepting the risk. I know I need to invest in the potential for joy above fear.

So this year, I'd like to let go of control. 

Or, as one of my dear friends has talked about in her own life, work on attending to the present and letting go of the outcome.

I need to stop overanalyzing every twinge of pain or discomfort or potential sickness, stop worrying life away in all the present moments while trying to come up with a perpetual escape plan backed by plans A B, and C through Z. 

Because really, even if the worst case scenario that I've drummed up in my head does occur, I'll still have to cross that bridge when I come to it, just like I have in the past. When those "worst" cases have happened in reality, I've lived through them and survived.Worrying about it in advance doesn't help. And if the "worst" happens in the future, the morbid but just-as-freeing reality is that I'll either live through it again and survive...or die trying. 

So I want to remind myself that because I can't control every little twist and turn of fate, I need to stop putting so much time and energy into trying to control it. It wasn't in my job description when God created me, but it is in His. I can just imagine how exasperated he feels with me sometimes, thinking "Megan, you just need to embrace your inner Elsa alreay and let it go. Live a little! I've got this!" And I'm beginning to feel the prodding, gentle but persistent:

Let go of the outcome.

Relinquish your grip on control (the control that never really existed anyway). 

This year, I'm not just going to nod my head in agreement (as I've done too many times before), but also actively commit to pursuing that healthier reality. 

I've come up with a few ideas to help me stay in this mindset, based largely around restorative self-care, trying to take time daily to relax my mind and soul and decompress:

• I have a long list of books to occupy my mind. 
• I'm trying this new adult coloring thing. 
• My baby sister taught me how to knit over Christmas. 
• I've started making a habit of stopping by our church for a few minutes every day (which luckily is right around the corner and I pass multiple times daily) to sit in the silence, recharge, and center myself--depositing my concerns at the foot on the One who really is in control.
• I'm putting renewed emphasis on taking time to address the root of my issues and work through them with someone whose job it is to do so. 
• I'm committing to getting more sleep. I stole this one from my mom and yes, it's one of the best resolutions I've heard in a long time. I know sleep alone can help keep me healthier, my thoughts more rational, and give me more energy to nurture my family like I should. 
• Speaking of energy, I'm also diverting more of the energy I usually spend in the hype of social media and using it for face time. Not FaceTime, but face time with the most important people in front of me who I often end up ignoring the most. Social media--specifically Facebook--can be a good way for me to connect, but it's also a double edged sword since I often use it as an escape. I do recognize the need to escape at key times throughout the day, but with social media it's usually not a well-timed escape, nor is it restorative; it breeds more frantic response to engage in others' matters and needs and drains me of the energy my recently-more-introverted mind needs to interact with and help those in my presence, like my huband and kids. The energy I spend on social media also saps me of the energy I need to to respond positively to situations that trigger my anxiety, the ones that can make me backslide into my deranged locus of control. So, my long and drawn out point--I'm going to try to "escape" in smarter ways--through the restorative, quiet, non-interactive means, things that allow me to reach into myself instead of reaching out and expending more energy on others. Including those things I mentioned above: reading, writing, knitting, coloring. So far I spent a large portion of this week (save today) away from social media except during deignated times, and it's already doing me a world of good. I'm staying more sane, productive, and interactive with the kids during the day. 
• And finally--I'm putting plenty of reminders in my way, like suitable quotes and verses and this phone wallpaper I made so I can be convicted as many times as I pick up my phone. 

• Some of the quotes:
  
  
  "Perfect love drives out fear." -1 John 4:8
  
  "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself--nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror which paralyzes needed efforts to convert retreat into advance." - FDR
  
  "Where fear is, happiness is not." - Seneca the Younger
  
  "Our body has this defect that, the more it is provided care and comforts, the more needs and desires it finds. " -St. Teresa of Avila
  
  "Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and courage. If you want to conquer fear, do not sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy." - Dale Carnegie

Here's to this new year--to accepting the risk of joy along with suffering, and working to release control back into the proper set of hands...over and over again, as many times as it takes.




What's your goal/resolution/focus this year?